Under Pressure

Steve Jobs died yesterday, and Facebook is full of Steve Jobs quotes as status messages, like:   

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

And another:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. 

It's a lot of pressure.  Do we all get to race forward and follow our heart?   HOW do I follow my heart?  How can I tell when it's my heart versus an immature, undeveloped part of my brain with wanderlust?   What about my very real obligations in life?

Since my mom died, I feel like I'm supposed to just be glad I'm alive and be thankful for every day.  But I'm not.

I feel like I'm supposed to be ready to accept that life and happiness is all about the small moments and the people we love, and have a happy family and cherish everyday life.  But I'm not.

I still want to chase some nonexistent exciting fulfilling life and travel the world, even if it just leads back to realizing that life and happiness is all the small moments and people we love. 

I'm no closer to enlightenment or inner peace for this experience.  I'm just me, but sadder, and without my mom.