Thursday, December 2, 2010

Gone again.

Biggie, I just remembered what's happened.  I'd been neck deep in homework for hours and suddenly I realized that the fact that you are gone wasn't sitting there on the front of my brain ready to explode.  And like that, I realized you were gone all over again, and I just want to hug you and apologize, for what's happened, and then I could see past it for even a little while.  I love you.

I'm so sorry this happened, and I'm so sorry for these embarrassing, creepy letters.  I'd much rather be eating ice cream with you at the bar in kitchen in the swivel chairs, late late late at night with the tv on, and birds covered and making their nighttime noises to themselves.  I wish I'd stayed up more and hung out with you instead of saying "no, dude.  I have to go to sleep.  I have to go to work."

I know a lot of the times I stayed with you guys were not my happiest times, and that I was so overcome with whatever that I wasn't taking advantage of or enjoying what I had around me.  I remember how sweet you were to me, when I was a mess.  Thank you.

I'm probably supposed to learn a lesson from that now, and not sit here late at night crying at a computer monitor writing messages to you when I could be appreciating my warm bed, and my husband, and my life.  Or maybe right now, it's ok if I just sit and appreciate how much my heart can ache.

And I'm also scared.  I'm scared how you could be gone in an instant, and how I could be gone in an instant.  How anyone could just be gone from this world we share.  And it is the scariest, and the saddest thing to me. 

Ok.  I'm going to blow my nose, and go to bed.  And make light of this by saying, Biggie, if you want me to wallow for you, by all means, give me a sign -- I'll be happy to oblige.  Love ya, faux bro.


Jo Seidl (Rika's mom) said...

Hi Alison,
I started following your blog as you prepared for the wedding, so I've been silently witnessing your grief over Biggies passing. I'm very sorry for your loss. I also wanted to tell you that as your grief starts to ease, let it. Biggies passing will have changed you. But don't feel bad as your attention starts to return to the world of the living. You won't forget him. He won't feel that you love him any less. I don't know why guilt is so much a part of grieving; the rehashing of missed opportunities, thinking, 'if I'd only done _________, things would have turned out differently.' For me the peace came when I realized that I did the best I could, while at the same time honoring my dad's right to make his own decisions. Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace....

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