The first.

On the first of the month, at some point, I think to myself "it is almost the Fifth." When the days of the month are in the 20's, I find myself thinking that it is almost the first, which is almost the Fifth. By the teens of the month, I am mentally another month without my mom. It takes about ten days for me to feel she's been gone another thirty, the days feel so thick.

On the Fifth of September, my mom's birthday month, the first month of fall -- the season that was in some special way mine and hers, she will have been gone four months. I just had to count it. I couldn't remember if we were on four or now five, it feels so ongoing.

On the Fifth of October, I will be 2 days past my 30th birthday -- my first without my mom. I will have been a bridesmaid for the first time. My hair will be another half inch longer. My mom will have been gone five months.

I saw the status message of a distant cousin today. Missing Mom.... 14 years. I cannot imagine looking back from the future on this many days of missing my mom, but if I'm lucky and healthy, I will.