Defeated

I have photos and great things to say about our special birthday weekend with Amy, but right now, we are exhausted, still driving home, and getting tearful call after tearful call from Amy.  I completely blew my top on this last call.  What's the point of all this driving, effort, and money spent if I'm just going to spend Sunday on the phone with her in this state?  Ugh.  

I should have seen this coming. We narrowly escaped major tears twice -- once Thursday when family cancelled (l got a heads up and was able to get an extra special guest to soften the blow -- hooray, Erica!)), and again today when family cancelled (cue extensive, high energy, exhausting sing-a-long).

Also, yeah, I'm embarressed by the way I sometimes talk and feel about my sister.  I respect her and adore her, but this is really hard.  I've never felt her pain so vividly as I do this last year. It is seering, and the sense of responsibility for her happiness that I feel is exhausting.  Also, as with all sister relationships, I suspect, sometimes I just feel like she is being a crazy bitch and lashing me, and I just want to slap her. 

And then there is her disability.  I think a lot of the not swell behavior and emotional responses are actually learned behaviors born of extreme frustration, anxiety, and lack of control, and so for now, I strive to get to a situation that will breed better responses, and can't accept this as an unchangeable part of her disability, and with that comes frustration with not being able, so far, to fix this.  Her state is not going to improve in her current house, and I have frustratingly little control over getting her in to a new house.

I really hope there is good stuff ahead, and look forward to being a person who can say yes, it can be very dark, but there is light ahead.  You can get there from here.