Monday, November 21, 2011

Freaking out is only natural

Right?  I think so, and I have to remind myself.

In my mind, I should be good at all this.  I grew up with Amy.  For the first 12 years of her life I was super sister.

But it's been another 12 years since then.  I was a great sister, sometimes like a second mom.  But I WASN'T her mom.

I'm still not her mom.  But I'm her main line now.  And it is different that being just a sister, with Mom as the main line.

It is completely overwhelming.

I know when Amy was born, it was not what anyone expected.  She was two months too soon, and the next day the neurologist gave mom an earful on what she could expect.  My mom had recently told us -- it felt like a death.  Loss and pain and isolation.  Is sounds terrible, I know, to say it felt like a death.  She was not talking about Amy, she was talking about the solitary world she was thrown in to.

I feel lucky that before my mom died, I read a post written by Kelle Hampton, about the birth of her daughter Nella, and shared it with my mom.   This post and this picture in particular made me feel for my mom in a way I never had.  My mom's story was different, but this story opened by eyes.

Maybe it's ok to freak out because if I stop saying to myself that I should be ready to handle this, that I should have known this day was coming, and instead look at myself and say, ok.  Overnight, I became (essentially) a parent of a 24 year old with Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy, with significant physical disability.  I never felt this weight and this pain before, in all my years of loving and caring for Amy.  My mom had 24 years to get to this point, and it was still overwhelming and upsetting at times.  So, I'm six months in, and it's a whirlwind of anger.  Anger for Amy, that this is what she get.  Anger for me, that this is what I get.   Waves of extreme enthusiasm and energy, followed by waves of deep sadness.

I am so so mad.  I'm mad Amy can't have everything in life she's entitled to, and easily.  I'm angry that I have to take care of her.  I'm angry that I love her so so much that the state of her life and her tears tear me to pieces.  I'm angry my life isn't easy.  I'm angry I'm so angry and embarrassed by these selfish feelings.

And I miss my mom.  And I am so angry and sad she is gone.  Everyday, I am sad and angry for yesterday, for today, and for every day after.


Post a Comment