Thursday, May 24, 2012


I remember my mom is dead about a dozen times a day.  There are other part of the day where I know she is dead for hours at a time, but then I'll get immersed in something, like just now, when I abbreviated signature as "sig" when organizing documents,  and I cringed at the word, and realized that was because it makes me think of smoking, and I thought about how much my mom HATES smoking, and then I remember she's dead, and it is like a landslide, being hit by rocks from all directions that just keep coming, and I'm doing my best to paw my way to the top, but there is no top.

It's the same when I look a picture.  The first feeling is the calm of seeing of my moms face, followed by the fast slamming of a door on my fingers.  It hurts so fast and so bad and you don't even see it coming and aren't sure what just happened.

I get so use to typing wildfire on my computer and when mistakes happen, really big mistakes that quickly undo everything good in a document, things I've spent all day on and need for tomorrow, my heart pounds and face flushes, and my fingers fly to control+z and in a second I'm able to carry on like nothing ever happened and it practically didn't.  Sometimes my brain misfires and when I'm hit with a sharp realization of the new reality, I feel control+z through my whole body, this extreme impulse that I can't act on.

I want to change things, I want to fix the probem, and that I can't causes this screaming in my head that will last for days and never has to catch its breathe.


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